Haunted Dreams (an experiment with 2nd person)

Haunted Dreams

There is darkness everywhere. Minimal light is radiating from the floating halfmoon in the sky overhead. There are no stars. It is cold and humid. You look around you and find your friends gone. You are completely alone.

You make your way down the empty street, the only artificial light coming from a lone street lamp, which blinks out as you walk past. You come to a dead end; a lonely house resides there. You have never seen it before. The cold wind blew, shaking the two unkempt tress in the front of the house. A broken window is on the right half of the house, as well as two others in seemingly random places. Light is radiating from it.

You decide that you have no choice but to ask the owner of the house for directions. You muster your courage, then walk up the the cracked cement driveway. Each time you take a step the sound echos through the air. You come to a tiny, furry black box, as if made for jewelry, in the middle of the driveway. You impulsively pick it up, wondering why it would be in such a place. As you analyze the object you find that there is a tiny keyhole on the front of it. With the intentions of returning it to its owner, who you assume is also owner of the land you are standing on, you slip it into your pocket.

You continue your trek up the driveway, which soon turned into gravel, then into dirt. You see a golden shine from the grass on the right side of the path. You walk over to where you thought you saw the glow and thread your fingers through the grass. Your hand comes back up holding what looked to be a tiny key.

As you try to insert the key into the slot on the box an piercing creak makes you jump. You look up to find the door to the house opened, which was not how it was beforehand to your knowledge. A faint light invited you into the house. Remembering your original mission, you again store your findings in your pockets and jog the last stretch to the stoop. You bounce up the stairs and knock, trying to get the attention of anyone that may be in the house. You call out, but the only answer is that of the echo of your own voice.

You walk into the empty room. Well, empty except for a single hanging light bulb. You look down at your feet to find a wooden trunk that wasn't there seconds before. Upon examining the box you find that its contents are protected by a rusty lock. This reminds you of the little box and key you picked up earlier. You take them both out of your pocket and fit them together with no trouble. Upon opening the box you find an averaged-sized silver key.

Curiousness overtakes you once again as you fit the silver key into the old lock of the chest at your feet. You take a deep breath and turn the key. The box suddenly springs open. A feezing wind bursts forth at your face. You close your eyes and bend over, trying to protect yourself. The sound of chattering teeth attacks your ears from all directions. Your legs begin to feel warm, then your waist. The warm feelings slowly runs its way up your body. The warmth calms you, and when the comfort makes it to your neck you finally open your eyes. You gape sight before you. Decayed bones floated about on a red sea. The warmth begins to invade your open mouth. You try to shut it, but you aren't quick enough; too much liquid already made it into your system. You watch as your vision turns a deep red, then fade into the darkness...

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
romance otaku
Comment

Thanks for catching those mistakes. I read it like three times and didn't see those XD. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

User avatar
Ranger Hawk
Review

Well. This was quite interesting. I think it works well, having it be in second person; definitely kept me reading all the way to the end, wondering just what was going to happen.

Now, for the nuts and bolts part:

There were a few tense changes I noticed, like this:

The cold wind #FF0000 ">blew,


Doesn't work with what you've started out with; keep an eye out for those sneaky little past-tense words that crept into this story.

shaking the two unkempt #FF0000 ">tress in the front of the house.


I'm guessing you mean "trees."

Each time you take a step the sound #FF0000 ">echos through the air.


"Echoes."

You see a golden #FF0000 ">shine from the grass on the right side of the path.


At first I thought you had forgotten a word after golden; as it is, I think a word like "light" or "glow" would work better (though since you use glow in the next sentence, find another word like it).

As you try to insert the key into the slot on the box #FF0000 ">an #0000FF ">a piercing creak makes you jump.


#FF0000 ">Curiousness overtakes you once again as you fit the silver key into the old lock of the chest at your feet.


I don't like this. Doesn't sound as fluid as if you used "curiosity" instead.

The warm feelings slowly #FF0000 ">runs #0000FF ">just "run" its way up your body. The warmth calms you, and when the comfort makes it to your neck you finally open your eyes. You gape #0000FF ">at the (looks like you're just missing a couple of words here). sight before you.


Okay, that's all I have to nitpick about!

Overall, I liked it immensely. You did a great job with the descriptions, they were absolutely beautiful. It was spooky, intriguing, and most of all enjoyable. Well done. :)



Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg